I miss you so much. I really really do. I miss you talking to me about stupid things, but they made me laugh. I miss our fights over stupid shit, that turned into driving to burger king at 2 am then making out in the car. I miss waking up to you drawing me pictures. I miss us holding hands in school. I miss when you’d pretend to have an accent. I really miss when you’d take my jackets and wear them. I miss wearing your clothes. I miss texting you while sitting next to you. I miss you.
It’s been 8 months since you’ve called me to scream hello. Since you’ve made me laugh. Since I’ve seen your face. Since we held hands. Since we had a fight. Since I last saw you.
I just want you here again. I NEED you here again. I need you to make things okay. To make me laugh and smile. I swore I’d never move on, but I did. Honestly, I wish I hadn’t. I wish I’d kept my word to you. I stopped praying to you because I got angry that you don’t even listen. And hey, maybe, just maybe, you do. And you know I’m in as much pain as you were before you died.
Having AIDs that young was shocking. You were my hero. Because you stayed strong. I never told you and I wish I had. That night you died, we got into a huge fight. You called me and I didn’t answer. I regret it so much. I had no idea it’d be the last time I’d ever hear from you. You knew it was your time. The sickness finally caught up. For 2 years, you battled it. For two years, you held on. But you lost your hope when you lost me. And I’m so damn sorry it had to be you. I’m so damn sorry I wasn’t there for you. I wasn’t with you. I regret so much not picking up my damn phone the night you called. November 21st, 2011. I want you back so bad, it’s killing me. I can’t afford the meds because I’m too poor. You were rich. That’s why you held on so long. But when monica told me that you stopped taking your medicine because you didn’t need them if you weren’t with me..made me go insane. I blamed myself for your death. I still do. I love you so much. I ALWAYS will. And I’m so damn sorry it was you..
I hope in heaven, you are happy. You smile. I do. I hope you are with your baby girl Alexandria who died a week after her birth from HIV. I know that was also a reason to why you gave up and lost hope. She loves you. And you love her. You told me over and over that if you weren’t forced to have sex, you wouldn’t even have been in that situation and you wouldn’t have had to bring an innocent baby girl into the mix. You beat yourself up for it. And once again, I wasn’t there for you. I was so fucking selfish. So. Damn. Selfish. I miss you so much Andrew..I wish I could take it back. I wish I could’ve died for you, so you AND your baby girl could still be here. But I’ll be with you two soon. I miss you like no other. I love you so much.
Love, Craig Scott Carter.
tagged as: andrew vent,